Writer's Journal

(Finals Week, expect short entries)

Day of Awkward Silence:  (April 29)  A day dedicated to commemorating all of the relationships lost to awkward silences.  Observed by starting conversations, making off-color comments to which no response is possible, and then remaining present and marinating in the silence that you wait for someone else to break.

Bring Your Neuroses to Work Day:  (September 6)  Celebrated in one of three ways–first, by not getting out of bed; second, by going to work dressed in a bathrobe and slippers and photocopying one’s crying face; third, by behaving as one does normally.

Take Your Hangover to Church/Synagogue/Mosque Day: (Day of Worship immediately following Summer Solstice)  A much less successful “Take your X to Y day,” this is much more popular on the day before (”Take your Hangover to Church/Synagogue/Mosque Day Eve”) which has many drink specials.  It is considered polite to buy a drink for friends of other faiths on the appropriate day.  Those who participate in the celebration on the eve are obligated to go to church, mosque, or synagogue the following day, whether hung over or still drunk.

Snark Day: (October 4)  In select newspapers, lists of objects (including mundane objects such as “toilet seat” or “stop sign” and metaphysical ones such as “Courage” or “Truth”) appear, along with addresses.  Teams of people dress up in outlandish clothes and gather the items before showing up at the pre-arranged spot.  While there, the various scavenger crews start a bonfire, drink, and share exaggerated stories about their adventures over the day.

National Bizzaro-World Day (November 19th [or 12th, depending on when Thanksgiving falls]) a holiday enacted by the fictitious πth president of the United States, Pythagoras.  On this day, there are public screenings of “Un Chien Andalou,” Libraries forgive late fees, and many police officers call in sick.  Generally, people behave in a manner opposite how they normally do.

Occasionally, reality will strain for a while and spit up some incomprehensible circumstance. Some of these are benign, such as when a pigeon attains an hour’s-worth of appreciation for renaissance art, or a clown who was driving to a birthday party suddenly finds himself trapped in an elevator. Others, however, can and do happen to anyone, and can prove deadly. These events are, by their nature, unlikely, but memorizing these courses of action can prevent the problem from spreading.

PROBLEM: Upon entering a familiar room, you find two men in early 1900’s suits. One is dead, with a slashed throat. The other is paging through books, cutting out random passages with a bloody, pearl-handled straight razor.

SOLUTION: Shout “Ihr taten es.” The standing man will drop the razor and begin to cry. Confiscate the razor immediately, close the door, and walk around the block. The two men will be gone when you return. On a rainy day, bury the razor in a wooded area.

PROMBLEM: The washing machine is bleeding.

SOLUTION: Check if there is a mundane cause. If there is, call a specialist. If not, gather several of your friends in the area where the washing machine is located, and shout at it continuously for several hours. Eventually, the washing machine will regurgitate all of your lost socks and other articles of clothing. Unfortunately, they will be covered in blood.

PROBLEM: There is something standing behind you.

SOLUTION: No. Seriously.

PROMBLEM: The window has teeth.

SOLUTION: If the teeth are facing inward, place an open tin of Altoids behind the teeth, and hang a blanket over the window. Wait a fortnight, and uncover. Repeat as often as necessary, but replace altoids with chilli peppers, curry powder, pure capsaicin, etc. If facing inward, confirm that you are, in fact, in your own house. If not, leave and never return. If you are, move immediately.

PROBLEM: The sky is looking at me.

SOLUTION: Generally, this can be explained as a schizophrenic delusion. If anti-psychotics don’t help, or if you are absolutely certain you see a massive eye embeded in the blue firmament, you are instructed to buy a high-powered rifle, go as far as you can from civilization, and challenge the eye to a duel. This is accomplished by shooting at it.

PROBLEM: It’s still there.

SOLUTION: I’ve got nothing.

Well, then, there isn’t much time.  Hopefully this quick and easy guide will lead you through the number of options you have so that you may stylishly descend to your ultimate and unavoiable doom.  There are several additudes you can take to this situation, the first and most familiar is:

• The Falling Man:  Arms windmilling, screaming optional.   A tried and true method, commonly used due to its instinctive nature.   Most often used by amateur plummeters when surprised.

If you’re interested in several other techniques, the following may proove interesting to you.  It is suggested you try them several times*, to see which one best fits

• The Swan Dive:  A classic; fling your arms out wide as if to give the onrushing ground a bear hug, keep your legs together, and head tilted up.  You might also know this as the “Belly Flop” technique.
• The Superman:  Either one or both arms flung out forward, (if only one, the other should be curled into a fist near your chin.)  One leg should be crooked down beneath you, parallel to your spine.  Somewhat awkward, due to the fact that the aerodynamics of plunging from a great height will cause you to tumble end over end in this position.
• The Starfish:  Very similar to the basic “Falling Man” technique, but with the arms and legs flung out to their greatest extent (fingers and toes extended optional) and head held rigid.  The least natural, but possibly the most scenic, because it allows you to watch the oncoming ground.

Beyond these three, there are two more advanced techniques, recommended only for those who have some marginal experience with plummeting to their deaths”

• The Gibreel:  Mix and match with the above techniques and whatever you come up with, preferably laughing and singing as you tumble end over end to your death far below.  It is important not to hold any one position for too long.  Also, if you can attempt to hold discussions with your fellow plummeters, it will make your entry into the afterlife much easier, as you will already have several friends entering into the hereafter alongside you.
• The Chamcha:  The polar opposite of the Gibreel.  While in the “Chamcha” position, you must, repeat must, be wearing a bowler hat, and preferably a suit.  In this position, you aim your head directly at the ground, keep your arms, legs and spine perfectly straight and perfectly parrallel.  Ideally, your face should betray a somewhat bored expression.

*Preferably off a diving board, low-hanging tree branch, or possibly the roof of a short garage.