Writer's Journal

Occasionally, reality will strain for a while and spit up some incomprehensible circumstance. Some of these are benign, such as when a pigeon attains an hour’s-worth of appreciation for renaissance art, or a clown who was driving to a birthday party suddenly finds himself trapped in an elevator. Others, however, can and do happen to anyone, and can prove deadly. These events are, by their nature, unlikely, but memorizing these courses of action can prevent the problem from spreading.

PROBLEM: Upon entering a familiar room, you find two men in early 1900’s suits. One is dead, with a slashed throat. The other is paging through books, cutting out random passages with a bloody, pearl-handled straight razor.

SOLUTION: Shout “Ihr taten es.” The standing man will drop the razor and begin to cry. Confiscate the razor immediately, close the door, and walk around the block. The two men will be gone when you return. On a rainy day, bury the razor in a wooded area.

PROMBLEM: The washing machine is bleeding.

SOLUTION: Check if there is a mundane cause. If there is, call a specialist. If not, gather several of your friends in the area where the washing machine is located, and shout at it continuously for several hours. Eventually, the washing machine will regurgitate all of your lost socks and other articles of clothing. Unfortunately, they will be covered in blood.

PROBLEM: There is something standing behind you.

SOLUTION: No. Seriously.

PROMBLEM: The window has teeth.

SOLUTION: If the teeth are facing inward, place an open tin of Altoids behind the teeth, and hang a blanket over the window. Wait a fortnight, and uncover. Repeat as often as necessary, but replace altoids with chilli peppers, curry powder, pure capsaicin, etc. If facing inward, confirm that you are, in fact, in your own house. If not, leave and never return. If you are, move immediately.

PROBLEM: The sky is looking at me.

SOLUTION: Generally, this can be explained as a schizophrenic delusion. If anti-psychotics don’t help, or if you are absolutely certain you see a massive eye embeded in the blue firmament, you are instructed to buy a high-powered rifle, go as far as you can from civilization, and challenge the eye to a duel. This is accomplished by shooting at it.

PROBLEM: It’s still there.

SOLUTION: I’ve got nothing.